The adage about a man not buying the cow when he can get the milk for free still holds true for the woman who wishes to stand apart from the crowd and marry her Mr. Right. If you have a permissive attitude and have sex too early in the courtship, you send signals that you don’t value yourself enough to protect your emotions. As a result, you lower your emotional value in your partner’s eyes. Mr. Right wants to protect his wife, but you’ve got to prove you’re worth his protection by valuing yourself enough to protect your own feelings. Most guys generally don’t go in search of a free cow, but if you conduct yourself as one, they may not see you as anything more.
Along with self-value comes the decision of how to know when it’s too early to become sexual with your new flame. What are the signs that you’re about to rush into premature sex with a tempting but potential Mr. Wrong?
Become familiar with this cheat sheet.
You’ve never been to his home. Is it because he’s married or has a live-in girlfriend? Is his housekeeping so bad he’s ashamed to have you over? If you’ve never been to his home, you don’t know him well enough to have sex with him.
You’ve never had a date with him on a Friday or Saturday night or Saturday or Sunday afternoon. If you haven’t, it’s because he spends it with his wife or girlfriend, or he sees you as a convenient booty call, but not someone to share quality time. If he doesn’t think you’re worthy of his quality time, then he isn’t worthy of having you at any other time.
You’ve never met his friends or family, or if you have, you’ve never been included in activities with them. This means you’re a part of his life, but not the part that he shares with others. Is it because he doesn’t plan for you to stick around a long time, or that he doesn’t consider you to be his “real” girlfriend? Or is it because he doesn’t know you well enough to introduce you to his group? Either way, it’s too early to have sex with him.
You haven’t discussed safe sex or any sexual illnesses either of you may have. If you don’t discover whether he has a sexually transmitted disease because you’re too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask, you’ll really find out what embarrassment and discomfort are once you contract his disease. Don’t hope or assume he’s healthy – ask. If you don’t, you may pay the price with your own sexual health long after he’s gone.
You don’t have a commitment from him and are afraid to bring the subject up for fear of losing him. If you’re afraid to bare your heart to him, you should also be afraid to bare your bod. Make sure the emotional intimacy and commitment are there before becoming physically intimate.
You know or suspect he’s married or has a girlfriend whom he hasn’t left . . . yet. Why bother with a man who could be nothing more than a player who has you fooled for a time, or is confused about who he wants to be with? Get to the bottom of your suspicions so you don’t waste time on a guy who’s just playing around.
You have his cell phone number, but not his home number. Because he doesn’t want his wife or girlfriend to answer the phone when you call. If he’s reluctant to give you his home number, be reluctant to go any further with him.
You haven’t spent any holidays with him. There are plenty of holidays spread out through the year that will enable you to wait to see how he treats you. If he disappears on the Fourth of July, you’ll know he’s either committed to another woman or has friends he’d rather be with than you. Don’t let him use his children as an excuse – and if you haven’t met his children, then it’s too soon for the two of you to be having sex.
You haven’t talked about which form of birth control to use or what you would do if you became pregnant. If you don’t discuss birth control, he may assume you’re on birth control pills while you assume he’s going to wear a condom. If that’s the case, then the two of you will end up discussing what to do with an unplanned pregnancy, so you might as well have the discussion while you still have control over the outcome of your actions. Mr. Right will respect and admire your own self-respect and caution. He’ll see that you understand the serious nature of a sexual relationship. If Mr. Wrong becomes uncomfortable having these discussions, then he’s proven that he isn’t at the level where he can handle the intimacy of marriage.
Alcohol or recreational drugs play a part in your courtship. Alcohol abuse and recreational drugs impair your judgment. Would you prefer to choose a partner through your own good judgment, or because you were under the influence? What’s called partying in your twenties and thirties can easily morph into problematic alcoholism or drug addiction after you’re married. Having sex when you don’t have your wits about you invites disappointment, failure and heartache into your life.
You’re assuming he’s Mr. Right. You’re acting upon certain smaller assumptions without taking the time to discover whether they’re true or not. These are conclusions you’ve drawn by assuming:
He plans on sticking around.
He’s able to or interested in meeting your emotional needs.
He likes you as much as you like him.
He sees the same future for your relationship that you see.
He’s not seeing anyone else, because he likes you so much. You can’t possibly imagine him wanting to be with anyone but you, since he feels the same about you that you feel about him.
He isn’t a part of your emotional protection. If you become sexually intimate with a man with whom you aren’t monogamous, then he’s free to betray you at any time. You’re completely unprotected and wide open to getting hurt. Don’t have sex and then ask him, “Where’s this going?” Have a relationship with him first that leads (or doesn’t lead) to sexual intimacy as the physical expression of your emotional relationship.
Becoming sexual before you’re emotionally prepared for it means you gamble that his attitude toward your desirability as a wife isn’t adversely affected. Otherwise, you may be treated as a stopping point on the way to his marriage, and not as his possible future wife. Also, you gamble that you’ve chosen correctly. Choosing a partner, whether for sex or forever, should never rely on a careless, poorly thought-out gamble. |
